


Say What You Want

by irolltwenties (Shenanigans)



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: F/F, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Ladies Loving Ladies, NSFW, girls are touching each other in here so be warned, good luck everyone, hotter than I'd planned, just had to get this out before it hurt me, the realization that you can want a girl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 06:09:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18565513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shenanigans/pseuds/irolltwenties
Summary: Isobel doesn’t talk about the fact that Maria DeLuca was her first kiss. It was third grade.





	Say What You Want

Isobel doesn’t talk about the fact that Maria DeLuca was her first kiss. It was third grade. It was math class and she blamed the timed multiplication tests. She blamed them for the way she would cry at the kitchen table with her Dad sighing heavily as the timer on the microwave went off again with her only four sets of questions deep. Max would finish in what felt like seconds and smirk at her while she stared down at the numbers. Weeks of tears later she finally finished the 100 question set before the timer dinged. She crowed with delight, turning to celebrate; success thrumming through her she’d grabbed Maria’s face and kissing her squarely on the mouth in delight. She felt the shame flush hot through her when her teacher yelled her name on an abrupt noise.

“Girls don’t kiss girls, Isobel,” Mrs Rogers had said, eyebrows a flat line that matched her mouth. She was a tall woman with iron gray hair and a simple red cardigan she wore every Thursday. She smelled like lavender and dog food. Isobel hated her, but she never talked about kissing girls again, squirming herself small with public shame. 

She didn’t kiss a girl again until Kate Long’s sleepover when she was 13. Truth or Dare was starting to become something more dangerous. It was starting to become something that made a sweet heat curl low in her stomach and she stared across the circle at where Kate was smiling wickedly at her, sweet and mean. “You said dare,” the other girl reminded her, eyes going wide and innocent as she hitched a thumb at where Maria was making a face at both of them. 

Isobel squared her shoulders and flicked her long blond hair over her shoulder, daring Maria with a quirk of brow despite the way her heart kicked over once, twisting in a confusingly sweet way. “Whatever.” She crawled across the short distance, smiling with a cockiness she didn’t feel when she got close. Maria was starting to drift out of the tight circle of girls, the threat of high school on the horizon and Isobel was determined to stay tight in the fold. Maria licked her lips and of course Isobel noticed, wetting her lips in return. She watched the other girl, sliding her fingers light against the curve of her jaw. Maria DeLuca was different from the other girls at the party. She was a little weird and she knew things she shouldn’t know and Isobel liked the way she felt _quiet_ when she was close. She liked the way she smelled a little bit like roses and a little bit like baby powder. 

“We’re waiting,” Kate Long sing songed and Isobel just swallowed, eyes moving in a quick flick from Maria’s gaze to her mouth before just following the look with a touch of lips. She would have missed the catch in Maria’s breath if she wasn’t this close. Behind her the other girls started screaming and Isobel broke the kiss before she let herself _taste_.

Isobel dug a hole inside of herself and buried everything away the next morning when Kate Long asked her if she was a dyke. She widened her eyes and said that Maria slipped her tongue. Maria looked betrayed and Isobel had to bury the way her heart hurt at the way it felt sharp and hot like a knife. High school was four years of playing normal, playing for keeps. It was a high stakes gamble of boy’s hands under her bra and the burn of stubble on her jaw after a football game. It was the way she didn’t think about how Maria’s jaw felt soft and warm, the way Maria would wear crop tops with long skirts that sqirled around her ankles. She wouldn’t think about how sometimes she wanted to walk up behind her and duck to smell her hair.

Isobel was good at pretend. It was her superpower, after all. She watched the way Maria started moving to the outside, the way she and Rosa fucking Ortecho would hold hands in the hallway. She would feel the way her lip curled, disgust to anyone who didn’t know what jealousy looked like on her face. 

Which was no one. Isobel Evans was tall and slender with long blond hair and a perfect family. She had no reason to be jealous of anyone and damn anyone who thought differently. She had ways to change their mind. 

The third time she kissed Maria DeLuca it was almost on purpose. If it was an accident she could deny it and denial was her greatest weapon. It was what kept her safe when Max was making his plans for a sprawling trip through Europe without her. Denial kept her warm when Michael would lay back, plopping his head into her lap to tell her about how afraid he was that he might not get the scholarship. 

She could deny so many things, but she couldn’t deny that this time she knew what her name sounded like on Maria’s breath. She’d been crying outside the gym, mascara running in quick greying tracks over her cheeks, cutting through the pale foundation. She wasn’t sure why she was so disappointed when Riley had said it was over. She knew she could have just relented and let him push those big dumb jock hands under her bra, push those stupid thick fingers into her underwear, but she didn’t want him. She didn’t _want_ him. 

Maria was yelling at Rosa Ortecho’s car as it drove away with a squeal of tires and Isobel was just angry enough to want to hurt something else.

“You should just let her go,” she muttered, voice low as she swiped angrily at her face.

Maria whirled, skirts catching up to curl around her ankles a moment later, eyes flashing and mouth a hard line under the left over smear of red lipstick that wasn’t hers. Maria didn’t need red to make herself seen. She was something soft and beautiful and Isobel wanted to grab her by the chin and scrub it off of her with a quick palm. “God damnit, Isobel. I do not need this right now.” 

“Well excuse me for giving a shit,” Isobel replied, waving an errant hand even as she sauntered closer.

“You don’t give a shit about anything but yourself,” Maria gritted back, turning to start walking away and there was something _wrong_ with that. Isobel grabbed at her, catching her wrist and the pile of bangles were skin warm.

“That’s not true,” Isobel tried to lace offense into the words, but it came out pleading. Maria always managed to pull something that looked like truth out of her, even if it was slant wise and sharp edged, cutting them both with the touch. Maria came to a full stop, turning and just watching Isobel with those big wide eyes. It was curious and defeated, like she’d just decided to stop fighting.

“No,” she said finally. “It’s really not is it?” She wet her lips and Isobel felt her eyes follow the flash of pink tongue. Maria straightened, pushing into her space, the smell of desert rose and baby powder catching her off guard with the thicker smell of weed twisting rougher sage into the scent.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Isobel could feel Maria’s pulse under her fingertips and it was tense and magnetic, throbbing between her thighs in a way Riley had never conjured for her. She suddenly wanted to know what Maria’s fingers would feel like tracing the underwire of her bra, whether they would be cold slipping under the seam of her panties. She inhaled sharply, eyes going a little wide as realization struck. 

“What are you running from?” Maria asked and Isobel’s jaw went hard, defiant. “Why are you so scare-”

Isobel caught her mouth, taking the quickstep forward as she tugged Maria close. She tasted her name. She felt the heat and slick of her mouth and the soft strangled noise she made when she felt Maria’s fingers tighten in her hair. She kissed Maria DeLuca on purpose, but pretended it was an accident. She kissed Maria DeLuca even as her knees went weak with want of failing, want of falling to them behind the gym so she could draw a line between Maria’s thighs in a slow curl of finger to feel her shake apart. It burned quick and sudden, startling her with the need as she forced herself back, staring at the way Maria’s eyes blinked open, desire clouding them and a flush on her cheeks.

“Don’t.”

“Is-”

“No, don’t.” _Don’t stop me._ She blew out a breath and backed her up against the brick wall, watching the way her hair caught against the grain. _Please._ She held that gaze, mouth dropped open, panting as she pushed a palm against Maria’s stomach. “Just.” She swallowed, groaning as she slipped her fingers lower, the elastic of Maria’s skirt a wide band around her forearm even as she shocked at the feel of hair and the strangled moan of her name. “Just let me.”

Maria stared, eyes gone wide and pupils blown under the smear of Isobel’s lipstick layered over Rosa’s. She nodded just a little, just once and Isobel growled with relief and let her fingers dip low to slip and smear through the shocking wet _heat_. She felt for the center, the knot of where Maria would shake apart and touched at her lightly, watching the way her thighs flexed and she had to grab at Isobel’s shoulders for balance. Maria DeLuca held on as Isobel fingered her outside the gym. Tear tracks and lipstick marks and the soft panted moans shuddering from each of them. Isobel couldn’t look away if she’d wanted to.

She felt the way Maria flushed hot, going splotchy as a light sweat prickled over her skin. She felt the way she started going tense. She felt her come and she was drunk with it. Maria panted, gasping through the soft song of her pleasure and Isobel might have kissed her on accident, but she’d fucked her on purpose and now her fingers were wet with wanting her and she couldn’t help but taste. 

“Oh fuck, Isobel,” Maria breathed, leaning forward to taste herself on Isobel’s tongue after she’d licked her fingertips in question. It was filthy in the best way. The copper tang lighter than blood and sweeter than sweat, specific and tangy like Maria.

Isobel just kissed her back in the shadows behind the gym. She kissed her back because this was it, this was her secret and she would deny it and deny Maria. She would twist it up and keep it tight in the fist of her heart.

She watched Maria fold in on herself after they buried Rosa, but that was just one more secret to keep.

**Author's Note:**

> Come flail with me 


End file.
